Encyclopedia of Humor

Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, ’7 come 11′ all night, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy said, “I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ‘Hit me light’ or ‘hit me hard!’ and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy said, “You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, “Honey, I want you to know that I haven’t wasted all this time alone. Instead, I’ve mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!”

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

“Now watch,” he said. Next he said, “Dick, ten-HUT!” And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said, “Dick, at EASE!” And his dick deflated again.

“Wow, that was amazing,” said his wife. “Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It’s really something else!”

The guy responded that he didn’t mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy’s full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, “Now watch this.” Then he said

“Dick, ten-HUT!” and the dick sprang to life.

Then it was “Dick, at EASE!” But nothing happened. So the guy again said, “Dick, at EASE!” But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says, “For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!” Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

“What in the world are you doing!?” she asked.

The guy says… “I’m givin’ this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!”

When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski.”

For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by “Good luck Mr. Goorski.” They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by “Good luck Mr. Goorski.”

Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor’s bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor’s wife, Mrs. Goorski, telling her husband, “ORAL SEX? I’LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!”

There was a fly flying over a pond in the middle of a fog. He thought, “If I dropped 6 inches, I could clear this fog and fly across the pond.”

On the other side of the pond, there is a frog who thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches, he’ll clear that fog and I’ll have breakfast.”

Underneath a lily pad, there is a bass who thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly and I’ll have lunch.”

On the bank, there is a bear who thinks, “If the fly drops 6 inches, the frog with go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, and I’ll have lunch too.”

On the hill, there is a hunter who thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, the bear will go for the bass, and I’ll have a clear shot at the bear.”

A couple of feet behind the hunter, there is a mouse who thinks, “If the fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, the bear will go for the bass, the hunter will get his shot, and I will get the cheese off his sandwich.”

Up at the barn, a cat is watching this whole affair and thinks, “If that fly drops 6 inches, the frog will go for the fly, the bass will go for the frog, the bear will go for the bass, the hunter will get his shot, the mouse will get the cheese, and I will get the mouse.”

So the fly drops 6 inches, the frog gets his fly, the bass gets his frog, the bear gets his bass, the hunter gets his shot, the mouse gets his cheese, the cat jumps for the mouse and falls in the water.

The moral of the story is that every time a fly drops 6 inches, you’re gonna get a wet pussy.

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is

also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a

dirty fork from a previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from

there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks

up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to

him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have — meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook

happens to be the owner’s wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly

brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll

take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing

around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man

comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming

and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take

it to the blind man.”

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in

and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have

the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,

“Hey I didn’t know that Mary worked here…”