Encyclopedia of Humor

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed… and finds four Chinese men.

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, “Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

“No problem,” said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

“It was a piece of cake,” said the elderly couple. “We didn’t have sex for two weeks straight.”

The middle-aged couple said, “It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn’t have sex for two weeks straight.”

Finally, the young couple said, “Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there.”

The priest was stunned. “You do realize that you aren’t welcome in this church, don’t you?”

The couple shrugged it off. “That’s ok. We aren’t welcome in Home Depot anymore, either.”

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she’s crying. Her boyfriend asks her what happend.

“As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long”!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

“He also said he wants to screw me all night long”!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

“He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night”!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn’t doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says “I’m sorry Honey, – but I’m not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer”!

Three guys go into a store… the first guy buys a wood dildo, the second guy buys a glass dildo, and the third guy buys a 25-foot long dildo.

The next day the first guy comes back with the wooden dildo and says, “I want to return this dildo… it gave my wife splinters.”

The second guy comes back with the glass dildo and says, “I want to return this dildo… it broke off in my wife and now there is glass in my wife.”

The third guy comes back with the 25-foot long dildo. The cashier says, “Lemme guess you want to return your dildo?”

The guy says, “Hell no!! This thing is great!! See that girl in the corner over there? Bang!! Got her!”

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. “I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.

“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”