Encyclopedia of Humor

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played , or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, “You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?”

“For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!”

The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. “You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”

“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too.”

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four”.

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.

This time the husband crosses his fingers and says “Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!”.

Again, there’s a bright flash… and then his legs fall off!

So you think your life is bad…

Just think how bad the life of an egg is…

You only get laid once

You only get eaten once

It takes 4 minutes to get hard and

2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with

11 other guys

And the only chick that ever sat on

your face was your mother

Now don’t you feel better?

Hell no!

One day a big Indian Chief goes to his local pharmacy. He goes up to the clerk and says, “Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go BOOM!”

Now the clerk was quite impressed by this sexual feat so he grabbed some Trojans for professionals and tells the Chief to come back and tell him how they work for him.

The next day, the big Chief comes back to the pharmacy, goes right up to the clerk and gruffly says, “Last night me fuck squaw, left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph’, condom go BOOM!”

The clerk thinks to himself, “Damn, this guy must have some kind of super ejaculation going on.” So he goes into the back of the store and gets a prototype condom for the Chief. The description on the box reads, “This is a joint effort between Goodyear and Michelin. This condom is steel belted and should only be used in extreme circumstances.”

The clerk hands the condom to the Chief and tells him about the special condoms, and to report back to him on how well they work for him.

The next day, the Chief comes back on crutches with a shotgun under his arm. He storms up to the clerk. The clerk is thinking, “Oh Shit! The condom must not have worked and he’s really pissed.”

The Chief looks at the clerk and yells, “Last night me fuck squaw!! Left nut go ‘oomph’, right nut go ‘oomph’, dick go ‘oomph, condom go ‘oomph, left nut go ‘BOOM’!”