Encyclopedia of Humor

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, “I have a dead pussy.”

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, “Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.”

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, “I was cleaning in Father’s room the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.”

“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.

“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”

The second nun said, “Well, I can top that. I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms!”

“Oh, my!” gasped the other nuns.

“What did you do?” they asked.

“I poked holes in all of them!” she replied.

The third nun fainted.

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”

9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”

8. “Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”

7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”

6. “I just got my license today.”

5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.”

4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”

3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”

2. “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.’”

1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

A Texan went to Chicago, where he thought he would buy a new “city” outfit. He went into Marshall Fields and, when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, “Yes, ma’am. Ya see, I’m from Texas, and I want to buy a complete city outfit.”

Her eyes lit up as she asked, “Where would you like to start?”

“Well, ma’am, how about a suit?”

“Yes, sir. What size?”

“Size 53 tall, ma’am.”

“Wow, that’s really big.”

“Yes, ma’am, they really grow them big in Texas.”

“What’s next?” she asked.

He replied, “How about some shoes?”

“What size?”

“Size 15 double D.”

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes, ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”

“What’s next?”

“Well, I reckon I’ll need a shirt.”

“Yes, sir. What size?”

“Nineteen and a half neck, size 38,” he replied.

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes, ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”

“Will there be anything else?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am. I spect I’ll need a hat.”

“Yes, sir. What size?”

“Eight and five-eighths.”

“Wow, that’s really big!”

“Yes, ma’am. They really grow them big in Texas.”

The woman virtually glowed as she asked, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“No, ma’am , I reckon that will be all.”

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill and as the Texan counted his money, she blushed and asked, “Sir, could I ask you a question?”

“Yes, ma’am, I already know what it is. And the answer is four inches.”

Astonished, she blurted out, “Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!”

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied, “From the floor, ma’am?”