Encyclopedia of Humor

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it.” 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?” “Steve`s wife gave it to me.”

“That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

Bill says,”Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`”

She said, “`No, I`m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?”

There was once a woman who was married to a man who would make extremely load and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up. Every time he did so, the woman was disgusted and told him, “One of these days, you’re going to fart your guts out!”One morning the woman got up early to cook a turkey for a party they were hosting that night. As she looked down at the turkey’s guts and entrails that she had just removed, she got a Mischievous little idea…

The woman then took the turkey entrails and guts and walked upstairs to her bedroom, where her husband was still sleeping. She carefully pulled down his shorts and placed the turkey guts inside them. She smiled and went back downstairs to finish her work.

A few minutes later, she heard her husband wake up with his usual “Sonic-Boom” fart, immediately followed by a blood-curdling scream. She laughed as she heard him run into the bathroom.

A short while later, he came down to the kitchen still panting from the scare. She tried to hold back a smile as she asked him what was the matter.

This was his reply: “Honey, you were right! You said one of these days i was gonna fart my guts out. And it happened! But, by the grace of God and a can of WD-40, i got most of it back in!”

A man was driving home late one afternoon above the speed limit. He noticed a police car with its red lights in his rearview mirror. He thought, “I can outrun this guy,” so he floored it and the race was on. The cars were racing down the highway at 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passed 100, the guy figured, “What the heck,” and gave up. He pulled over to the curb. The police officer got out of his cruiser and approached the car.He leaned down and said, “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.” The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rearview mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!”

The officer let him go.

One day a man was walking on the beach and saw a girl with no arms or legs crying.The man went up to the girl and asked why she was crying. The girl said, “i’m 21 and I have no arms or legs and i’ve never been kissed.”

The man bent down and gave her the most softest, gentelist kiss and then he started to walk away.

Then he heard the girl crying again. He went back and asked, “Why are you crying now?”

The girl said, “I have no arms or legs, I’m 21 and I’ve never been screwed.”

The man bends down, picks up the girl and throws her into the ocean.

Then the man said, “You’ve been screwed now baby.”

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”