Encyclopedia of Humor

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.

Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.

Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.

Why are Vampires Democrats? They wanted Gore in 2000.

What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.

Why aren’t there any famous skeletons? They’re a bunch of no bodies.

What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.

What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.”Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.

“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, please come to my house!”

“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”

“Bring them along!” the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in.”

The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”

I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.”Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It’s just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.”

“I’m very sorry,” I said to her, “Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Yes,” she said, “As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much better.”

“Sure,” I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it. As the old woman was leaving, I called out, “Goodbye, Mother!”

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $127.50.

“How can that be?” I asked, “I only purchased a few things!”

“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn’t run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed. Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs.”I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.”

“Yes, but are you good in bed?”

“How do you think I rang the doorbell?”