Encyclopedia of Humor

This guy loved living on Staten Island, but he wasn’t crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn’t subject himself to an hour’s wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, “Well, I made that one, didn’t I?”

“Sure did,” the bystander said. “But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock.”

A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. “My God! How long have you been smoking?” screams the father.”Since I lost my virginity,” replies the girl.

“You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?” shrieks the father.

“I don’t remember,” says the girl. “I was completely drunk.”

A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied. But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said “This is a Kansas duck, do you have a Kansas hunting license?”.The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy. Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said “This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?”

Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper, said ok. Then he saw a fourth duck, and sniffed its butt and said “This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?” and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.

The trooper couldn’t believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said, “Boy, where are you from, exactly?” The redneck pulled down his pants and said “Why don’t you just sniff my butt and see!”

At the site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.”Thank God”, he cried out in relief. “I am saved!”

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside the lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades. The survivor saw the horror on their faces and hung his own head in shame.

“You can’t judge me for this,” he insisted. “I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?”

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. “I won’t judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!”

1. – One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL2. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. – Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO

5. – Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

6. – One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

7. – One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: RED DEER

8. – Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

9. – Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

10. – One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG