Encyclopedia of Humor

Mrs. Biddle was walking down the street one day carrying a small box with holes punched in the top.”What’s in that box?” Mrs. Riddle asked.

“A cat,” Mrs. Biddle answered.

“What for?”

“I’ve been dreaming about mice at night, and I’m scared of mice. The cat is to catch them.”

“But the mice you dream about are imaginary,” said Mrs. Riddle.

Mrs. Biddle turned to her friend and whispered, “So is the cat.”

Judi was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.”You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn’t knock the guy down?”

“I’m waiting,” Jon said.

“Waiting for what?” asked Judi.

“Waiting to catch her with a smaller fellow.”

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She toldthe artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,

emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m

sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy

looking for the jewelry.”

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:If you love something,

Set it free…

If it comes back, it’s yours,

If it doesn’t, it never was yours….

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free …

If she ever comes back, she’s yours,

If she doesn’t, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free …

Don’t worry, she will come back.

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free …

If she comes back, and if you love her still,

Set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER’S VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free…

Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second

amendment of the matrimonial Freedom Act clearly

states that…

THE BILL GATES VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free…

If she comes back,

I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and

tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Don’t ever set her free.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST’S VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free…

If she comes back, her super ego is dominant,

If she doesn’t come, back her id is supreme,

If she doesn’t go, she must be crazy.

THE MARKETING VERSION:

If you love somebody,

Set her free…

If she comes back, she has brand loyalty

If she doesn’t, reposition the brand in new markets.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it wasand always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never

yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living

room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your

telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed

that you actually set it free in the first place, you either

married it or gave birth to it!