Encyclopedia of Humor

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the t.v. was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. They were opposite in every way. One was an eternal optimist, the other a doom-and-gloom pessimist.Just to see what would happen, on Christmas, their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.

That night, the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found his son sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

“Why are you crying?” the father asked.

“Because my friends will be jealous. I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff. I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found his son dancing for joy in the pile of manure.

“What are you so happy about?” the father asked.

The optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn’t see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.”You could have told me that before I undressed!” she scolded him.

He replied, “Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn’t.”

Blamestorming – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.Chainsaw Consultant – An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Percussive Maintenance – The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Uninstalled – Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance.” See also Decruitment.

SITCOMs – What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage – A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Tourists – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. “We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.”

Alpha Geek – The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the alpha geek around here.”

Dancing Baloney – Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. “This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help.”

Flight Risk – Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica – Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. “We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in.”

Nyetscape – Nickname for AOL’s less-than-full-featured Web browser.

PEBCAK – Tech support shorthand for “Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard.” (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They’ve submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: “This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.”)

Square-headed Girlfriend – Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a “computer widow.”

Dave: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.Mary: Are you wearing it now? Dave: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s top of the line.

Mary: Wow! What kind is it?

Dave: Twelve-thirty.

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu”.

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin’ went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.