Encyclopedia of Humor

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, “Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. “OK. Now what??”

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, “Hey, Igot this great Polish Joke…”

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: “Before

you go telling that joke you better know that I’m Polish, both bouncers

are Polish and so are most of my customers.”

“Okay” says the customer,”I’ll tell it very slowly.”

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

A old Jewish man on his deathbed whispered, “Sarah, Sarah, where are you, my dear wife?”"Right here at your side, my love.”

“And my son, Moishe…where is he?”

“Right here at your side, papa.”

“And my daughter, Mitsy…where is she?”

“Right here at your side, papa.”

“And my son, Abraham…where is he?”

“Right here at your side, papa.”

“What, none of you assholes is minding the store?”

Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, “Names Enoch…your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday…thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” replies Sam. “After six months of living like this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me.”

As Enoch is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you, though, there’s gonna be some drinkin’.” “Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them.”

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. “More ‘n likely gonna be some fightin’, too.” Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. “Well, I get along with people. Don’t worry, I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again, Enoch turns from the door, “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.” “Now that is not a problem,” Sam says. “I’ve been up here all alone for six long months. I’ll definitely be there.

By the way, what should I wear?”

Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says… “Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there.”