Encyclopedia of Humor

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?

Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?

I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?

On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?

Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?

Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

5. “They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.”

4. “This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to.”

3. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time.”

2. “Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?”

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk…

1. Raise your head slowly and say, “…in Jesus’ name, Amen.”

1. want to know God’s thoughts… the rest are details.
Albert Einstein

2. An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind.
M.K. Gandhi

3. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, the mind can achieve.
Dr. Napoleon Hill

4. Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.
Mark Twain

5. Great works are performed, not by strength, but by perseverance.
Samuel Johnson

6. Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Mark Twain

7. If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
Mother Teresa

8. Where does the family start? It starts with a young man falling in love with a girl – no superior alternative has yet been found.
Sir Winston Churchill

9. A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James

10. A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right
Thomas Paine

11. A love affair with knowledge will never end in heartbreak.
Michael Garrett Marino

12. Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish.
Albert Einstein

13. Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Napoleon Bonaparte

14. A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Sir Winston Churchill

15. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King Jr.

16. The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
George Bernard Shaw

17. We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Friedrich Nietzsche

18. Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte

19. Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
H. G. Wells

20. Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

21. God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Voltaire

22. I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas Alva Edison

23. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabell

24. Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Jimmy Durante

25. A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Dwight D. Eisenhower

26. All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer

27. Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
Will Durant

28. When you gaze long into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.
Friedrich Nietzsche

29. Everything has been figured out, except how to live.
Jean-Paul Sartre

30. It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.
Oscar Wilde

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess”.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want.”

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”

The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”