Encyclopedia of Humor

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what’s up. He’s quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he’s quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal’s office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there’s a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your mom” she says. “I did” he says. “She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: “What are you doing here today?”
Woman: “Oh, I’m here to donate some blood. They’re going to give me $5 for it.”
Man: “Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.”

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: “Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?”
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] “Unh unh.”

There’s this man who’s taking a walk around the red light district
until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: “The
Hooker With Three Breasts…”. The man get’s just a little
interested and thinks “well… that could be a once in a lifetime
experience”. So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the
counter. “I’d like to see the hooker with the three breasts” he
says.

“Are you sure you can afford that… It’ll cost you a thousand
dollars” the pimp replies. But, the man is too exited, pull’s his
wallet and pays him the money. So, he’s taken up three stairs to a
little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room…
there she is. The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it…
three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of
the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp
another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that
little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before,
she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is
wrong… “Hey! You had three breasts yesterday…” he says after
which she smiles and says “What did you expect honey… you can only
suck out a boil like that once!”.

Q: What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby?

A: Ask your parents.