Encyclopedia of Humor

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?

SPEED!

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.

She thought she’d die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.”

As if that wasn’t bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “Thumbtacks.”

In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, “Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?”

Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.

Q: Why don’t they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.

A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.

Things You�d Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be���..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn�t an office. It�s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!��..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I�m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven�t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what�s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ��.. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?” Tom says, “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector. “I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever,” answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector. “Then,” Tom continues, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?” “In that case,” Tom argues, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?” “Oh, well,” says Tom, “in that case I’d run into town and get my Uncle Leo.”

This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash!”