The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, “It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!”
“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”
“To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”
“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.”
“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”
“A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”
“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”
“Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.”
“Germinate: To become a naturalized German.”
“Liter: A nest of young puppies.”
“Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.”
“Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.”
“Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.”
“Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.”
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”
“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”
“For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.”
“For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”
“To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.”
“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.”
“The parts of speech are lungs and air.”
“The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.”
“A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.”
“A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.”
“The general direction of the Alps is straight up.”
“A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.”
“Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.”
“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.”
“The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.”
“We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.”
“One of the main causes of dust is janitors.”
“A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.”
“The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.”
“The climate is hottest next to the Creator.”
“Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.”
“The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.”
“In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.”
“Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.”
“In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.”
“One by-product of raising cattle is calves.”
“Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.”
