Encyclopedia of Humor

When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be the Boss.

The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be the Boss.

The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be the boss.

The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss.

Then the Ass Hole applied for the Job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the ass hole became mad and closed up.

After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see.

They all finally conceded and made the Ass Hole Boss.

This proves you don’t have to be a Brain to be Boss…Just an Ass Hole.

TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective Feb. 25, 1995 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a consistant method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a “Restroom Trip Bank” will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of 20 points. RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) management by Feb. 10,1995. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of Feb. Employees should aquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It will be restrictive starting March 1, 1999.

If an employee’s RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will not unlock for that employee’s voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll retractor. If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will sound throughout the entire building. A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public announcing system the name of the delinquent employee. Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will automatically open. If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console) will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated. If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask you supervisor.

Thank You!
Management

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices…

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

This machine is subject to breakdown during periods of critical need.

A special circuit in the machine called a “critical detector” senses the operator’s emotional state in terms of how desperate he or she is to use this machine.

The “critical detector” then creates a malfunction proportional to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence will only aggravate the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine may cause it to also malfunction. (They belong to the same union.) Keep cool and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. Never let anything mechanical know you are in a hurry.