Encyclopedia of Humor

Always give 100% at work…….
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And remember …….
When you’re having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.
Now get back to work!

In a restroom at IBM’s Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — “THINK!”

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — “THOAP!”

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

“With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessman’s fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post.”

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: “Congratulations on a successful purchase!”

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here’s some quick excuses!

It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter, not harder.

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

I’m in the management training program

Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broke….

Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!

It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?

I was cross-training for telecommuting.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies “Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

Last is little Billy. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, “Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking!”