Encyclopedia of Humor

How to Annoy People at Work

1)Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch
paper, 99 copies. 2)Practice making fax and modem noises. 3)During
meetings, disassemble your pen and “accidentaly” flip the cartridge
across the room. 4)Staple papers in the middle of the page. 5)ALWAYS
TYPE WITH CAPS-LOCK ON 6)type only in lower case.
7)dontuseanypunctuationorspaceseither 8)While making presentations,
occasionally bob your head like a parakeet. 9)In the memo field of
all your checks, write “for sensual massage.” 10)Ask your co-workers
mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all gone out on dates and all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, “You know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up.”

The second one said, “No, you know you’ve been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared.”

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck. She said, “Now THAT’S a good date!!”

Office work dull?…

None of your colleagues appreciate your humour?…

Amuse yourself. Points are awarded on a degree of difficulty basis. You can award yourself extra points for creative execution

ONE-POINT GAGS Run one lap around the office at top speed Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other’non-player’ must be in the bathroom at the time) When they’re not looking, pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew. Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye” To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!” Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way” Walk sideways to the photcopier. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open

THREE-POINT GAGS Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get All that, I don’t want to have to repeat it” Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight). Shout random numbers while someone is counting

FIVE POINT GAGS At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself). Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’ Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two” After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamacian accent,as in, “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damm it, all of you just shut up!” At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again”. In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in tights” Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?” Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now” Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’ talk about it” Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local resturant. Let him go Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. Rollerblade around the floor throwing sweets

Teacher: Jeff, have you been copying Johnny’s test again?

Jeff: Yes, but how did you know?

Teacher: On question #1, Johnny put down “I don’t know”. And you put down “Me neither”.

After Christmas break, a teacher asked her young pupils to write an essay about how they spent their holidays. One small boy wrote the following:

We always used to spend Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick home, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They all live in little tin boxes. They ride on three-wheeled tricycles and they all wear name tags, because they don’t know who they are.

They go to a big building called a wrecked hall, but if it was wrecked, they got it fixed because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don’t do them very good. There is a swimming pool there. They go in it and just stand there with their hats on. I guess they don’t know how to swim.

As you go into their park, there is a doll house with a little man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can’t get out without him seeing them. When they can sneak out they go to the beach and pick up shells that they think are dollars.

My grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks, they just eat out. They eat the same thing every night – early birds. Some of the people are so retarded they don’t know how to cook at all, so my Grandma and Grandpa bring food into the wrecked hall and they call it “Pot Luck”.

My Grandma says Grandpa worked all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back up here, but I guess the little man in the doll house won’t let them out.