Encyclopedia of Humor

Man goes to the bar and says “bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.”
The bartender says “Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.” The man says “Just pour them.”

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says “Hey, you want to talk about it”? The man says “No!” and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says “Come on and tell me about it I’ve got a good ear, that’s why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.”

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says “Ok, today was my first blowjob.” The bartender says “Hey great, have another on the house.”

The man says “No, if 7 doesn’t get the taste out, nothing will!”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says “Hey bartender give me a beer”.

The bartender says – “I’m sorry we don’t serve food here”.

This guy walks into a pub with a gremlin sitting on his shoulder. He sits at the bar and orders a pint and a half of lager.

The gremlin downs his half-pint, runs long the bar, dips his head in a blokes beer and goes, “Brrr!”.

The guy orders another pint and a half. The gremlin repeats the performance. The bloke grabs the gremlin by the neck, shakes him up a bit, and says, “Listen, if you ever do that again I’ll cut yer balls off!”

The gremlin says, “Ain’t got none!” “Well, I’ll cut off yer prick!” “Ain’t got one of them, neither.” says the gremlin.

“Well, how do ya pee?”

The gremlin smiled and said, “Brrr!”

A Canadian is on vacation and walks into a bar.
He sits on this HUGE stool and says to the bartender’ man, I heard things are big down here in Texas, but this is ridiculas!’ and orders a mug of beer.

He gets a pitcher of beer and asks the bartender, ‘man, I heard that things are big down here in Texasm but this is ridiculas!’ and goes about drinking his beer. He orders another and he gets really pissed drunk.

Well, not too long later, he has to go to the bathroom really, really bad so he asks the bartender, ‘Where is your washroom???’ The bartender says, down the hall, second door on the right.’

So the man climbs off the stool and stumbles down the hall and enters the second door to the left and falls in this huge swimming pool.

The man is struggling to stay afloat and screams ‘DON’T FLUSH IT!!!

A guy was sitting in a bar, drinking away. Suddenly he says to the bartender, “I have to go home or the wife will be mad”.
(at this point he was loaded drunk)

He climbed down from the bar stool, and fell flat on his face. The man then said “I can’t walk and I didn’t have that much to drink?”.

He gets up to give it another try, this time the same thing happens and he falls flat to his face. He says “I have to get home some way or the wife will kill me if I don’t get home soon”!

He gets an idea of crawling home, so away he went crawling home. He crawled up to his apartment and slowely snuck into bed with his wife trying not to wake her.

The next morning he woke up to see his wife running in the room. She said “you were out drinking again last night weren’t you!”

The man replied with “NO WAY!”
And the wife said “YOU LIAR!
The bartender just called and said you left your wheelchair at the club again last night”!