Encyclopedia of Humor

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they’re all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other…

The first guy says, “Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!”

The second goes, “Shit that’s nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!”

The third guy says, “That’s nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire – the insurance won’t cover it, plus my girlfriend left me.”

The first guy leans back in and whispers, “I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog.”

This man walks in a bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?”

Joe says, “Well hell, what’s the matter?”

The Man says, “Well, my son has just come home from college and I found out he’s gay.”

Joe says, “Man that’s terrible,” and gives the man his whiskey and beer.

Two weeks go by and the same man goes to the bar… He walks in and says, “Hey Joe, how about fixing me up with 8 shots of whiskey and 8 bottles of beer?”

Joe says, “Well hell, what’s the matter this time?”

The man says, “Well my other boy just come home from college and I found out that HE’S gay.”

Joe says, “Man, that’s a damn shame,” and fixes him up with the beer and whiskey.

Three weeks go by and the man comes bursting through the doors and says, “Joe, I want you to fix me up with every f*cking drink you got in the house!”

Joe says, “Geez, doesn’t anyone in your family love women?”

The man says, “Yeah, I just found out my wife does…”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks.

“Now what?”, responds the patron.

“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.” The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.”

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can’t possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, “I haven’t got it.”

The bartender can’t believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), “Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.”

In disgust the bartender says, “What, no drink for me this time?’

The drunk replies, “No, you get violent when you drink.”

A young man walks up and sits at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires.

“I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man.

“6 shots! Are you celebrating something?”

“Yeah, my first blow job.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”