Sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”
Come and listen to my story of a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after gettin’ with his wife,
She lopped off his schlong with the swipe of a knife.
(Penis, that is)
(Clean cut, Missed his nuts)
Well, the next thing you know, there’s a ginsu by his side,
And Lorena’s in the car takin’ Willie for a ride.
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend,
And tossed him out the window as she came around the bend.
(Curve, that is)
(Pricker shrubs, Wheel hubs)
She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weanie back.
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “Over There,”
To John Wayne’s Henry that was waving in the air.
(Found, that is)
(By a fence, Evidence)
Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long,
So the Dick Doc said, “Hey, I can fix your Dong!”
“A needle and a thread is all you’re gonna need.”
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed.
(Whizzed, that is)
(Even seam, Straight stream)
Well, he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court,
With a cock-eyed lawyer since his assets came up short.
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only one they didn’t show on tape.
(Video, that is)
(Unexposed, Case closed)