Encyclopedia of Humor

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?

Pull down their genes!

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.”

The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?”

Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast.

The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!”

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) between the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

For years ‘n years they told me, “Be careful of your breasts. Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests.”

So I heeded all their warnings And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care, The doctor found a lump, He ordered up a Mammogram To look inside that clump.

“Stand up very close,” she said, As she got my tit in line, “And tell me when it hurts,” she said, “Ah, yes! There! That’s just fine.”

She stepped upon a pedal. . . I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate was pressing down. My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched ‘n stretched From way up by my chin, And my poor tit was being squeezed To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt, Within its vise-like grip, A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!!

“Take a deep breath” she said to me Who does she think she’s kidding? My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting.

“There, that was good,” I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. “Now let’s get the other one.” “Lord, have mercy,” I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I’ll bet she’s never had this done To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. . . If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man, Of this I have no doubt. I’d like to get his balls in there, For months, he’d go “without”!!

Guy-Knock, Knock

Girl-Who’s there?

Guy-Emersom

Girl-Emersom who?

Guy-Emersom nice boobs ya got there!