Encyclopedia of Humor

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying” I NEED A MAN”. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying “I NEED A MAN”.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying….I NEED A BIKE”……….

Why do they manufacture perfumed bathroom tissue when our noses are on our faces?

A List of Dumps

The Perfect Dump – Every once in a while, each of us experiences a perfect dump, it’s rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless grace of an expert diver. But that’s not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump – Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper’s tolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. It could have been 2 or 22, it doesn’t matter. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close a bathroom for days.

The Chili Dump – Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves. The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like a heat shield.

The Cable Dump – Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13 telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like a friendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, “DID I DO THAT? Where did it come from?” you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump – In case you didn’t know, a latrine is a hole in the ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and flies go to dump.Tip: Don’t ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump – This is the masterpiece of dumps. It’s as perfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricacies that would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself. You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that’s going a bit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump – You’re done…you reach for the toilet paper only to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic begins coldly in your throat. You could use the curtains…no, someone would say “Where are the curtains?

The Poo List!

The Ghost Poo: The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo on the toilet paper, but there’s no poo in the bowl.

The Clean poo – The kind where you feel poo come out, see poo in the bowl, but theres no poo on the toilet paper.

The Wet Poo- You wipe your butt fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.

The Wet Cheeks Poo- That’s the kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water, or splash-back.

The Second Wave Poo- This poo happens when you think you’ve finished, your pants are up to your knees, and you suddenly realize you have to poo some more.

The Brain Haemorrhage-through-your-nose Poo- You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Lincoln Log Log- The kind of poo that’s so enormous you’re afraid to flush it down without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

The Power Dump Poo- The kind that comes out so fast, you’ve barely got your pants down and you’re done.

The Liquid Plumber Poo- This kind of poo is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows all over the floor. You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln Log Poo.

The Spinal Tap Poo- The kind of poo that hurts so much coming out, you’d swear it’s got to be coming out sideways.

The ‘I-think-I’m-turning-into-a-bunny’ Poo- When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splishy sounds when they hit the water.

The ‘What-the-hell-died-in-here’ Poo- Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out a-gagging and a-gasping for air.

The ‘I-just-know-there’s-a-turd-still-dangling-there’ Poo- Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop.

There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for the doctor, the nurse went, “Aaaaaahhh!!!”