Encyclopedia of Humor

An old sailor goes to a brothel, where he chooses his girl and begins.

“How am I doing?” He asks.
“Three knots,” she replies.
“Three knots? What’s that mean?”

“You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”

What’s the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the
doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks…well, “needy”.
“Can I help you?” the Madam asks. “I want Natalie”, the old man replies. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…?”
“No. I want Natalie.”

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $ 100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie
explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $ 1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. “I’m not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you’re from?”

“I am from Minsk.”
“Really”, replies Natalie “I have a sister who lives there.”
“I know”, says the old man. “She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you.”

There once was a man named Dave, who found a dead whore in a cave. She was ugly as shit and missing one tit, but think of the money he saved!

Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the clouds. After climbing the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.”

Jack chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.” Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.” Things were getting better the higher he got, so Jack chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud, he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the Universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, “Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success.” Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but still, he climbed the ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500lb naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack asked, “Who are you?”

To which he replied, “Oh, I’m Cess”!