Encyclopedia of Humor

Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the personal and private telephone number of Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics, Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet People’s Council of Peace and Happiness and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash Team. But hey, call me Mike.

Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.

Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he’s a chicken! Doctor: How long has this been going on?

Girl: About a year. Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

This is not an answering machine–this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

-How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t. You get down from a duck.

-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
So he could hide in the crayon box.

-Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Because they are so hard to iron.

-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.

-Why can’t an elephant ride a tricycle?
Because it doesn’t have a thumb to ring the bell.

-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So no one will recognize them.

-Why are elephants such poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet.

-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.

-Why can’t elephants go swimming at the beach?
Because they can’t keep their trunks up.