Encyclopedia of Humor

You have reached the Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missile Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and target or list of targets, and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.

Militaristic mechanical voice: FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW. THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES.

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

US National Anthem; Ronald Reagan voice: Uhh, hello… I’m, uhhh, ohhhhhh… (Pause.) Well, anyway, I’m here to answer the telephone on behalf of… erm… uhhhh… ermmm… (Pause.) I mean, he can’t come to talk to you right now, but if you leave a message after the, umm oh, the uhhhh… the uhhhhhh… BEEP.

Richard Nixon voice: Hi… Uh, some people say I sound like Richard Nixon… I BEG your pardon! Uh… Everyone’s out right now, so I’m uh… Covering up for them. Please leave your name, number and message promptly at the beep… I don’t want to get blamed for any gaps on this tape. OK machine, you can beep now… Come on you, BEEP.