Encyclopedia of Humor

Welcome to the Afterlife Voice Mail System. If you are trying to reach Heaven, please press 1. For Valhalla, press 2. For Hades, press 3. If you are trying to reach Nirvana, you’re going about it all wrong, so we certainly can’t help you. If you’d just like to leave a message for Sean, wait for the beep.

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange… mother… vacation… apple… I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72…

Hello, you’re caller number nine!

You are listening to 91.5 FM, KXQK. This is the Canadian Broadcorping Castration. I am your host, Fred, and I will be with you for the next 20 seconds. After that we’ll play your requests. Leave yours with us, and we’ll try to fit it in, given programming constraints. Thank you for listening to our show.