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Q. Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A. They’re afraid of flying off the handle!

Q. Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
A. Dayscare centers.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

Q. What do ghosts serve for dessert?
A. I Scream.

Q. What do witches put on their hair?
A. Scare spray.

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.

Q. What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
A. Boo boos.

Q. Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
A. Because of his coffin.

Q. Why do mummies make excellent spies?
A. They’re good at keeping things under wraps.

Q. Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?
A. Because everyone was a goblin!

Q. How did the ghost patch his sheet?
A. With a pumpkin patch.

Q. What is as sharp as a vampires fang?
A. His other fang.

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“Raiders of the Lost Ark” in background: You’ve reached the residence of John and Tom. We can’t come to the phone right now, because we’re cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we’ll get back to you.

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“Muppet Show” theme:

It’s time to leave a message

After you hear the tone,

It’s time to leave a message

‘Cause we’re not at home tonight…

It’s time to leave a message

On Kate and Shannon’s phone,

It’s time to leave a message

‘Cause we’re not at home tonight.

Just leave your name and number,

Such simple things to do,

And then when we get home we will

Get right back to you.

It’s time to leave a message

After you hear the tone.

It’s time to leave a message

‘Cause we’re not at home tonight.

Gone to get a bite,

Stayin’ out all night,

Yes we have a life!

Leave a message, we’re not home toniiiiight…

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“Under the Boardwalk”:

Oh, when you call our room,

and all you get is a machine,

and then you get so upset,

you feel as if you want to scream.

Please leave a message

after the be-ep.

And John or Tom will get back you,

as soon as they can.

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With apologies to Robert Burns:

O ma phone is but an ebon box,

Wha’ rings when I’m awa’.

And my tape machine waits,

For your call,

This message for ta play.

So leave ye message at the beep,

Then bide ye well a while,

For I will hear your voice,

ONE DAY,

and call ye wi’ a smile.

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