Encyclopedia of Humor

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen!”

Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he’s late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour’s to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?” Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”

There’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird’s foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, “OK for you,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?”

10 reasons why a dog doesn`t use a computer:

10. T0o0p hqa5rxd 6tt0[o 6ty[p3e 2w9igtjh;pa3wds (It`s hard to type with paws)

9. ‘Sit’ and ‘stay’ were hard enough; ‘delete’ and ‘save’ are out of the question.

8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

7. Carpal Paw Syndrome.

6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he`s browsing www.purina.com or the ’50 ways to skin a cat’ sites.

5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrates.

4. Can`t help attacking the screen when he hears, ‘you`ve got mail’.

3. Too messy to mark every Web site he visits.

2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.

1. Can`t stick his head out of Windows XP.

When is the best time to fake an orgasm?

When a rotteweiler is f**king your leg.