Encyclopedia of Humor

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects. “Jesus is watching you,” a voice said “Huh?, oh well,” the robber said and continued shinning his torch. “Jesus is watching you,” the voice continued. The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot. “Oh, it’s you,” the robber said. “I’m just trying to warn you,” the parrot said. “Oh, that’s nice,” the robber said, pretending to be scared, “what’s your name?” “Moses.” “Moses? What kind of idiot would call a parrot Moses?” “The same kind of idiot that would call a rottweiler Jesus!”

Q: How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?

A: Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two…but I don’t know how they’d get in there!

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, “I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can
marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so.”

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, “I don’t think so.”

A grasshopper walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me a drink.”

The bartender can’t believe his eyes and says, “Oh my Gosh, I can’t believe this, you’re a talking grasshopper!”

“Do you know we have drink named after you?”

The Grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Steve?”