Encyclopedia of Humor

Have you been spending more and more time using the Internet? Have your cheeks taken on that pasty white glow from over-exposure to your computer monitor? How do you know if you’re addicted to the Net and losing touch with reality? Take the Net Addict’s Reality Test.

Answer the following multiple choice questions and check out your score to see if you should be concerned:

What do you think are good names for children?
a) Scott and Jenny.
b) Bill Gates IV.
c) Mozilla and Dotcom.

What’s a telephone?
a) A thing with a round dial you use to talk to others.
b) A telecommunications device with 12 keys.
c) Something you plug into a modem.

Which punctuation is most correct?
a) I had a wonderful day!
b) I had a **wonderful** day!!!
c) I had a wonderful day

You wake up at 4:00 a.m. and decide to:
a) Visit the washroom.
b) Raid the fridge.
c) Check your E-mail.

What are RAM and ROM?
a) A male sheep and a city in Italy.
b) Hulking stars of the WWF.
c) I need more of the former and should upgrade the latter.

To avoid a virus you should:
a) Stay away from people who sneeze and cough.
b) Never read E-mail titled “Good Times”.
c) Use virus scanning software every time you boot up.

When you want to buy something hard-to-find you:
a) Ask friends where to purchase it.
b) Check out the Yellow Pages.
c) Go to Yahoo!

When you don’t understand how to use a new appliance you:
a) Call the retailer.
b) Call the manufacturer’s toll-free number.
c) Visit the manufacturer’s Web site and look for the FAQ.

When you want to see all the beautiful people you:
a) Visit a club on a Saturday night.
b) Turn on the TV and tune in to Baywatch.
c) Check out the alt.binary newsgroups.

How do you introduce yourself at a party?
a) Hi, I’m Jane!
b) Hi, I’m a Taurus on the cusp.
c) Hi, I’m a 5’10″ hot blonde with a super bod.

When you’re interested in someone at a party you say:
a) Tell me more about yourself.
b) What’s your star sign?
c) What’s your Profile?

If you really like the person, you say:
a) Could you tell me your phone number?
b) What’s your E-mail address?
c) Let’s chat Private.

When I say spam, you think:
a) Ham in a can.
b) Unsolicited advertising E-mail.
c) I mailbomb all spammers!

When you receive an AOL trial diskette, you say:
a) I don’t need another mug coaster.
b) Great! I’ll reformat and use it for backups.
c) Great! I’ll sign up under a fake ID and use up the 50 hours.

When you want to research a reference you:
a) Open up a volume of your encyclopedia.
b) Slip Encarta in your CD-ROM drive.
c) Go to www.altavista.digital.com.

When you write a letter you:
a) Put pencil to paper.
b) Open Eudora.
c) Ask: What’s a letter? Is it like E-mail?

Different types of text formatting include:
a) Writing and printing.
b) Underline and double-strike.
c) Bold and italic.

You correct errors using:
a) An eraser.
b) White-out.
c) Backspace or delete.

You sign your name:
a) Best regards, John Smith.
b) See you in IRC, John_Smith.
c) Check out my home page for the cool links, [email protected].

To keep a copy of your letter you:
a) Insert a carbon and a second sheet.
b) Take it to the photocopier.
c) Check your Sent Mail folder.

SCORING:

Give yourself zero points for each “a” response, five for each “b” and 10 for each “c”.

If you scored 150 or higher, unplug your computer and log more hours in real life. If you scored between 50 and 145, you’re living a good mix of Net and reality. If you scored under 50, you probably didn’t read this far.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, “what do you have to say about this experiment?”

He responds by saying: “If I drink whiskey, I won’t get worms!”

I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of free M&M’s (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is “MM” in Roman numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there’s no actual chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them change their name to KFC).

Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a note on his mirror that said “Call 911!” but he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled “Join the crew!” He knew it wasn’t a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It’s true – I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press #90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the guy’s expense.

Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, “Welcome to the world of AIDS.” Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital – the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.

I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x’s and o’s in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have OK luck and if you send it to fewer than10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail and you will receive 4 green M&Ms — if you don’t, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck:

you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S. government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.

I know this is all true ’cause I read it on the Internet.

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.