Encyclopedia of Humor

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away Susie called after him, “So, what was wrong?” And he replied, “It was an ‘ID ten T’ error.” A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie’s face. ” ‘An ID ten T’ error? What’s that, in case I need to fix it again?” He gave her a grin. “Haven’t you ever seen an ‘ID ten T’ error before?” Susie replied, “No.” “Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.” . . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”

The answer to the eternal question “Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?”:

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at an average of 30 minutes per game.

With $40 million in endorsements, he made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him $9.50, but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He’d make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura SLX (about $90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He’d probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed around $30,000 during that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He’d make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He’d make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’d pull in about $5600.

In his last year, he made more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

… However…

… If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven’t had a driver’s license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don’t recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?” The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”

“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”

“Incredible!” remarked the seaman. “How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously. “Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook”