Encyclopedia of Humor

1. Dial Emergency Services immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there’s something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you’ve been putting off.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says “Do you know your monkey stole my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it, I’ll play it.”

12. Thou shalt not downloadeth porn on thine work computer, lest ye be cast out.

11. Thou shalt *** EARN *** REDEMPTION *** FAST!!!! ***

10. Thou shalt not make for yourself a graven image of that which is copyrighted.

9. Thou shalt not pop up any unwanted windows before me, for I shall smite them immediately with a hasty click and read them not.

8. Thou shalt use no browser other than Internet Explorer, for thy Gates is a jealous Gates.

7. Thou shalt not forward chain letters. Instead, send these commandments to ten friends, and help save the life of a small child in Bogota!

6. Thou shalt not act like a hot 18-year chick in a chat room when thou art a pudgy, pimply-faced Trekkie.

5. Spam not, lest ye be spammed tenfold.

4. Thou shalt not spill your kinky guts and then click “Reply to all.”

3. Thou shall not call thyself “Richard P. Smith” online when “Chesty LaRue” sounds so much better.

2. Remember thou the Neimann-Marcus cookie recipe and keep it holy.

1. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife – and thou shalt rejoice in the loophole that Tommy Lee is technically not thy neighbor.

A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.” The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

10) You can’t use 5-1/4″ floppy disks.

9) You can’t go shopping with your friends for a Sound Blaster board because Macs don’t need one.

Your 200 MHz 604e Mac does integer calculation equivalent to a 362 MHz Pentium Pro, but you can only brag about 200 MHz.

7) Networking a Mac is not an impressive feat.

6) Macs don’t come in black, and we all know black cabinets make computers faster and louder.

5) You have to add a system extension to make Mac menus stay down like Windows. We like pokey menus because it’s too hard to hold that heavy mouse button down while we read.

4) And the Mac mouse is too slow. We want our cursor to fly wildly off the screen when we twitch our wrist because hyper cursors make our PCs look faster.

3) You just plug Macs in and they work. Where’s the challenge in that?

2) When you add stuff, you just plug them in and they work, too. Again, no challenge.

1) Your clients and teachers know about Numbers 2 and 3, so they expect Mac users to deliver results, not excuses!