Encyclopedia of Humor

Announcement:

It is the responsibility of the bride’s family to announce the wedding in the local newspaper. The announcement should include: A photograph of the bride (A high school yearbook picture is acceptable); Name of the groom, education completed by both bride and groom (do not include elementary school, unless that was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the ceremony (If living with the bride’s parents, it is not necessary to specify where in the house you will reside).

Invitations:

Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free stuff, you must send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy. Something like “You are invited to watch John Smith and Jennifer Johnson make it legal on March 14, 2000.” will suffice nicely. If you don’t want to be so formal, you can always run down to the local bar and yell “If you aint doing nothin’ on the 14th of March, why don’t you stop by my house for a cold one about 2 o’clock. Me and Jennifer’s having some friends over to watch the ball game and witness our weddin’.”

Proper attire:

For the bride, the key words are “be conservative.” No matter how good it may look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe. Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is not the occasion to show the world how big “they” are.

For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute courture, but if it means the difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, concider some alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work shirt can create a natty appearence. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

The ceremony:

No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the alter. At the point in the ceremony that says, “If anybody has any reason why these two should no be joined in holy matrimony…” tell the preacher not to pause too long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much.

Reception:

Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since that’s bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet before entering the hall. After all the cleaning deposit can be the difference between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.

When dancing never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!

A blonde walks into a hardware store, and is looking for a new television. The store assistant approaches her and says, “I’m sorry madam, but we don’t serve blondes.” So she goes home, has a breast reduction, and dyes and cuts her hair. She goes back to the store, and asks the assistant, “I’d like to buy this television please”. The store assistant replies, “sorry madam, we don’t serve blondes.” “How did you know?” she said.
“Because that is a microwave, not a television!”

There is this blonde in the middle of a parking lot rowing a boat.

This other blonde drives by and sees this blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a parking lot. So she stops her car gets out and yells, “IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SWIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME!!”

A Blonde, Brunette, and a Redhead where setting together at a coffee shop. They all decide to go through their daughter’s purses. The Brunette goes first. “I cant belive I found a pack of cigerettes in my daughter’s purse. I didn’t know she smoked.” The redhead says, ” I can’t belive I found boose in my daughter’s purse. I didn’t know she drank.” Finally the blonde says,” I found a condom in my daughter’s purse. I didn’t know she had a penis!”

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world’s greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. — Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it’s not so hot.