Encyclopedia of Humor

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: “I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years”

Herman: “Hmm. I killed a man, and I’m here for 3 days”

George: “*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???”

Herman: “Yeah, it was a lawyer.”

“You are a cheat!” shouted the attorney to his opponent.

“And you’re a liar!” bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, “Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let’s get on with the case.”

`You seem to be in some distress,’ said the kindly judge to the witness. `Is anything the matter?’

`Well, your Honour,’ said the witness, `I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects.’

Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.

“If you’re not rally in bad trouble, I’ll take the case,” said Gregory. “If you’re in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.

If, on the other hand, you’re not involved and want to get in trouble, my on, who just graduated from law school, will take it!”

When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice;

– Lin Yutang
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‘Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.’

– Ambrose Bierce
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“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.?

– Benjamin Franklin
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‘Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.’

– Oscar Wilde
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‘In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.’

– Lenny Bruce
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‘I was never ruined but twice — once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.’

– Voltaire