Encyclopedia of Humor

A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.

“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

“Didja get anything on that last heist?” Jack asked.

“Nuttin’ at all,” Mugs admitted. “Toins out that the guy that lives there’s a lawyer.”

“Jeez, ain’t that the breaks,” his friend sympathized.

“Didja lose anything?”

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are saying is just going in one ear and out the other.”

“Your honor,” replied the lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?”

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

“Darling, it was just a shark,” assured his wife when he came to.

“You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

A trial had been scheduled in a small town, but the court clerk had forgotten to call in a jury panel. Rather than adjourning what he thought was an exceptionally simple case, the judge ordered his bailiff to go through the courthouse and round up enough people to form a jury. The bailiff returned with a group of lawyers.

The prosecutor felt that it would be an interesting experiment to try a case before a jury of lawyers, and the defense counsel had no objection, so a jury was impaneled. And the trial went very quickly — after only an hour of testimony, and very short closing arguments, both sides rested. The jury was then instructed by the judge, and was sent back to the jury room to deliberate.

After nearly six hours, the trial court was concerned that the jury had not returned with a verdict. The case had in fact turned out to be every bit as simple as he had expected, and it seemed to him that they should have been back in minutes. He sent the bailiff to the jury room, to see if they needed anything.

The bailiff returned, and the judge asked, “Are they close to reaching a verdict?” The bailiff shook his head, and replied, “You’re honor, they’re still doing nomination speeches for the position of foreman.”