Encyclopedia of Humor

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Entropy has us outnumbered.

Error is often more earnest than truth.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to cut it.

Even paranoids have enemies.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every solution breeds new problems.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred during the war.

During the Persian Gulf War, I was assigned to go to Saudi Arabia. As I was saying good-bye to my family, my three-year-old son, Christopher, was holding on to my leg and pleading with me not to leave. “No, Daddy, please don’t go!” he kept repeating.

We were beginning to make a scene when my wife, desperate to calm him, said, “Let Daddy go and I’ll take you to get a pizza.”

Immediately, Christopher loosened his death grip, stepped back and in a calm voice said, “Bye, Daddy.”

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:
1. Engage the enemy.
2. Draw him into your territory.
3. Wait until winter sets in.

The Iraqi verions of the classic army regulations can be summarized as:
If it doesn’t move, hide behind it.
If it does move, surrender to it.

Iraqi Air Force motto:
I came I saw Iran

Don’t stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Don’t try to have the last word; you might get it.

Don’t worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don’t use it anyway.

Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.

Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.

Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, “Take anything you want – our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles.”

“No, no – you don’t understand!” the Syrian replied. “Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!”