Encyclopedia of Humor

The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.

The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.

The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

The most interesting results happen only once.

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
– Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
– Vice President Al Gore, 9/5/93

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.”
– Vice President Al Gore

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
– Vice President Al Gore, 9/15/95

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”
– Vice President Al Gore

“[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
– Vice President Al Gore

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
– Vice President Al Gore

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”
– Vice President Al Gore, 5/22/98

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”
– Vice President Al Gore, 12/6/93

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
– Vice President Al Gore, 11/30/96

“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
– Vice President Al Gore

“The future will be better tomorrow.”
– Vice President Al Gore

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
– Vice President Al Gore, 9/21/97

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
– Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.”
– Vice President Al Gore

Top George Bush Slogans

I’ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

I’ll finish what Bill started — the interns.

Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

New penal plan: I won’t use mine!

Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill?”

BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to “hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.”

“There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It’s totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now,” said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the ‘nice’ list, filing them under ‘naughty’ instead because “everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.”

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the “crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.”

“Their security is really awful, really bad,” said Bush. “My mother just walked right in, told ‘em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn’t check her ID or nothing.”

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush’s running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. “Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now,” Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she’s asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The “Million Man Mush” is scheduled to leave Friday. “We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays,” Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was “deeply distressed” by news of the pending legal action against him.

“He’s losing weight, and he hasn’t said ‘Ho Ho’ for days,” said the spokeself. “He’s just not feeling jolly.”

A weary nation can relate.