Encyclopedia of Humor

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”

The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.”

The milkman replied, “Oh, OK. Pasteurized?”

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said…
“No. Just up to my boobs.”

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came.

I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!”

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said “Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.”

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, “I haven’t won any prizes, but I’ve started free clinics and helped those in need for free.” St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, “I’m responsible for all the HMO’s across the United States.”

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, “OK… I’ll let you in, but only for three days!”

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam… I know what the K-Y is for… and I know what the glove is for… but what’s the BEER for?” At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, “Come on, nurse!!!… I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!”

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”

“Nine…”
“Eight…”
“Seven…”