Encyclopedia of Humor

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, ” Well it’s used to being in it’s mother’s pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in “there” it will calm down.”

She exclaims, ” I’m not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!”

The husband replies,” Well, why don’t you just hold it’s little nose!”

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggie. “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggie. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggie. “I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggie. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggie. “I want a root beer float,” said the second piggie. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggie.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”

The third piggie says – “Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!’”

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

“Doc, I need something for my eyes…can’t see well these days”. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.

Doc says, “What’s the problem…didn’t the glasses help you?”

“The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won’t feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren’t clean, they’re just covered with cat spit.

Cats don’t hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don’t, so that’s all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don’t care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.!”

The Roadrunner was feeling very amorous one day, and since there were no other female roadrunners around, he decided to look around.

He happened to spot a lovely dove. Bzzzzzz… down he goes and feathers are flying, lots of dust in the air and the dazed dove is lying there with a smile and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied. He spots a Lark flying around and zooms down on her. Again, feathers are flying around and dust is in the air and the dazed Lark is lying there and said, “I’m a Lark and I’ve been sparked”

The Roadrunner is still not satisfied and spots a Duck. He zooms down and again feathers are flying and a lot of squawkings and dust flying in the air, and the roadrunner takes off.

The Duck is lying there really pissed off, and says “I’m a Drake and there’s been a mistake!”