Encyclopedia of Humor

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You’ve been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.”The cats says, “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.

The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run. We’ve been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore.” God says, “Say no more.” And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,

“How are you doing? Are you happy here?”

The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the best!”

Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.

The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.

The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.

The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.

The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.

The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money. The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.

The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1- 6.

The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.

The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.

The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?

The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant

There once was a snail that wanted to buy a Nissan Z car.

So, he went to a dealership and bought a car. “But,” he said to the salesperson, “I would like my car personalized. Would it be
possible to have the “Z” replaced with an “S”?” The dealer said yes, and it was done.

And, as the snail raced around the city in his brand new car, everyone would see, “Wow, look at that S-car-go.”

Take a stand on the important things in life!

A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?”

The rabbit says, “No, of course not!”

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!

There’s this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird’s foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!”
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.

Then the guy gets angry and says, “OK for you,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and
he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?”