Encyclopedia of Humor

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever. “Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?”

“Dogs can’t talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I’ll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.”

“Okay,” says the guy. He turns to his dog. “Okay fella. Tell me — what is on top of your doghouse?”

“Roof!” The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

“THAT ain’t talking! Any dog can bark!”

“Okay boy. Tell me — how does sandpaper feel?”

“Ruff!”

“What the hell are you tryin’ to pull, mister?”

“Okay, okay,” says the man. “One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me — who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?”

“Ruth.”

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

“Geez. D’ya think I shoulda said DiMaggio?”

Two guys in a jungle come around a corner and meet a lion head-on pawing the ground.

One guy ever so carefully reaches into his knapsack and slowly takes out a set of Nike running shoes, never once breaking eye contact with the lion.

The second guy hisses: “What are you doing, you can’t outrun the lion” And the first guy says: “No, but all I have to do is outrun you”!

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster.

Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared.

The man somewhat nervously said, “I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.”

“Suit yourself,” the farmer replied, “the hens are round the back.”

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, “I’ll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him.”

Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can’t play their instruments.

The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.

The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.

The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn’t be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.

After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, “Come on now! Play it!”

The octopus replies, “What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I’m gonna screw it!”

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty, “What do you want for your birthday?” Smitty says, “I want to get laid.”

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There’s Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

“Harry, says Smitty, what the hell are you doing?”

Smitty says, “For a hundred bucks I want her nude!”