Encyclopedia of Humor

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”

Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”

A woman went into a pet shop and said to the man, “I want a parrot, but sell me one that definitely talks.”

The man sold her a parrot, saying, “This one definitely talks.”

The woman took him home, set his cage up on a table, and said to the parrot, “Okay, talk.”

The parrot said, “Show me your tits.”

The woman was outraged. So she put him in the refrigerator. After a while, she took him out and said, “So talk.”

Again, the parrot said, “Show me your tits.”

To show the parrot his place, she put him in the fridge for a longer time, but still the same thing happened. She was quite annoyed. This time she put him in the freezer.

There was a turkey in the freezer. The parrot said to the turkey, “How did you get here? Did you ask for a blowjob?”

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For

the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things -

chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was

obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was

running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun,

take the dogs, and go shooting?”

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off

he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.

“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”

Once upon a time, there was a nonconformist sparrow who decided to not fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather had turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time, ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to earth nearly frozen solid, landing in a barnyard.

A cow passed by where the sparrow had fallen and crapped on the little bird. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! Warm and happy and able to breath, the sparrow started to sing. Just then, a large cat came by and heard the chirping. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story: Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy; everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend; and if you’re warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

One day a farmer decided that he wanted to expand his chicken farming. In order to do this he would need a stud rooster. He asked around his fellow farmers and the general consensus was that the best rooster was from a far away town. His name was Randy. The farmer went to this far away town and met with Randy’s owner. The owner confirmed that Randy was indeed the best, but would come at an expensive price. After much deliberation, the farmer decided to invest in Randy.

When the farmer got home, he sat down with Randy and explained what he needed and reinforced the great expense he went through to obtain Randy.He told him that while he expected Randy to perform, he also expected Randy to pace himself. The farmer released Randy in the hen house and Randy went wild. Feathers where flying and Randy was servicing every hen in the house. The farmer reiterated to Randy the necessity of pace. The next day, Randy not only went flying through the hen house, but also went after the dog, the cat, the sheep, a fox and several other accessible animals. The farmer was outraged. “Randy” he said, “You can’t possibly last at this pace.” “Slow down, I need you for a long time.” Well, the next day, the inevitable happened. Randy was lying in the field looking like death was soon coming. Buzzards were circling around and slowly getting closer. The farmer watched his investment slowly dying. He dragged himself up to Randy and said “How could you?” “I asked you to pace yourself, I told you how important you were.”

Slowly, Randy opened one eye and said “Shh, they’re getting closer.”