Encyclopedia of Humor

A butcher in his shop, and he’s real busy, and he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him away. But later, he notices the dog is back again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note, and it reads “Can I have

12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his mouth, as well.”

The butcher looks inside and, lo and behold, there is a ten pound note there. So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog’s mouth. The butcher is well impressed, and since it’s close to closing time, he decides to shut up shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street, when he comes to a level crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and then sits on one of the seats provided.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks around the front, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through the town and out into the suburbs, the dog looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up, and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on 2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus. Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.

Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road, and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, runs up to the door and -Whap!- throws himself against it again. There’s no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to the window, and beats his head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him.

The butcher runs up, and stops the guy. “What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for heaven’s sake!”, to which the guy responds… “Genius me butt – this is the second time this week that he’s forgotten his key!”

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool. The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.

“I’ll have a bourbon and Coke!”

The man then turns to his dog and asks, “What are you going to have, Rover?”

“I’ll have a Scotch and soda — light on the soda,” says Rover.

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking. “Come on,” he says, “that dog can’t talk — you’re a ventriloquist!”

“No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom, you can have a conversation with him yourself — but don’t let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog.”

The man goes to the restroom. When he returns, the dog is gone.

“Hey, where’s my dog? I told you not to let him out of your sight.”

“Aw, I didn’t believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper.”

“Let’s go look for him,” said the man.

The two went to the drugstore — no Rover. They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets — no dog! Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog, pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily, “How come you are doing this? You have never done this before!”

“First time I ever had any money!”

There’s a guy who owns a parrot that swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much. The guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him hard and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “OK for you.” He locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At this point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.

For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very, very quiet . At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s worried enough to open the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did that chicken ever do to you?”

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my ass. It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it. The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.”

A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whores.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!”