Encyclopedia of Humor

There were these two rabbits, Barry and Fred. They were being tested in a laboratory and after a few losses of hair and half of their teeth missing they decide to try and escape.

They make this great plan and the next thing they knew, they were out in the counrtyside smelling the grass and generaly having a good time.

After a bit Barry gets in a bit of a mood.

“Why are you in such a mood” says Fred.

Barry in a sulky mood says “Well you know that laboratory we were at, well I’m starting to miss that place”

Fred in disbelief says “What, are you mad. That place is a dump. I’ve got more injection holes on my body than pores!”

“Yeah I know ” says Barry “But I’m killing for a fag.”

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind, and she had three sons who wanted to prove which one was the best to her.

Son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion, thinking this would surely be the best that any of them could offer her.

Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included, thinking this would surely win her approval.

Son #3 had to do something even better, so he bought her a parrot that he had been training for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could ask the parrot any verse in the Bible, and he could quote it word for word. What a gift that would be.

Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, “Son, the house is just gorgeous, but it’s really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it’s too large to clean and take care of. I really don’t need the house, but thank you anyway.” Then she confronted her second son with, “Son, the car is beautiful. It has everything you could ever want on it, but I don’t drive and really don’t like the chauffeur, so please return the car.”

Next, she went to Son #3 and said, “Son, I just want to thank you for your most thoughtful gift. That chicken was delicious.”

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that his son was a geneticist and he had developed this breed of chicken because the he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

“That’s the most fantastic thing I’ve ever heard,” said the salesman. “How do they taste?”

“I don’t know,” said the farmer. “We’ve never caught one.”

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, “Let me tell you how tough I am.”

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I’m outa there!” and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, “You think that’s tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it’s cocaine.” With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, “Hey, where are YOU going?”

The third mouse says, “I haven’t got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat.”

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggie. “I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggie. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggie. “I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggie. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggie. “I want a root beer float,” said the second piggie. “I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggie.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter, “but why have you only ordered water?”

The third piggie says – “Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!’”