Encyclopedia of Humor

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny.

“None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”

Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

“The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on… but I like your thinking.”

There once was a third grader named Jimmy. Every time the teacher would say something, Jimmy would say, “How about that!”

One day, the teacher said, “And then George Washington crossed the Delaware.”

Jimmy said, “How about that!”

The teacher told Jimmy, “If you say that one more time, you are going out into the hall, mister!”

To that, Jimmy replied, “,Well, how about that!”

Taking him by the arm, the teacher marched Jimmy into the hall and said, “While you’re out here, I want you to write a poem to tell the class.”

Twenty minutes later, the teacher came out to get Jimmy and said, “Before we go back in, I want to hear your poem.”

Jimmy said, “As I stood in the hall, I saw a cockroach go up the wall. How about that!”

The teacher said, “That’s fine, Jimmy, but I want you to leave the cock out.”

She took him back into the classroom and announced that Jimmy had a poem for the class.

Jimmy stood up and said, “As I stood in the hall, I saw a roach go up the wall with his cock out. How about that!”

Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” cooed the teacher.

“My momma had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

“I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“It’ll teach those indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

The telephone rings in the principal’s office at a school.

“Hello, this is Dunn Elementary,” answers the principal.

“Hi. Jimmy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” replies the voice.

“Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

“We are all going on a family vacation,” says the voice, “I hope it is all right.”

“I guess that would be fine,” says the principal. “May I ask who is calling?”

“Sure. This is my father!”

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves

The first child stands and says, “My name is Mary Johnson.”

“Thank you, Mary”, says the teacher.

The second student says, “My name is Sam Smith.”

“Thank you, Sam.”

The third student says, “My name is Johnny Fuckhour.”

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, “Honest, my name is Johnny Fuckhour. If you don’t believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is.”

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, “Do you have a Fuckhour in here?”

One boy stands in the back of the room and says, “Hell, no! We don’t even get a nap hour in here!”