Encyclopedia of Humor

A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the grad student. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless.” Poof! He’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the post-doc. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the genie says to the professor.

The professor says, “I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.”

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then used it to clean the mirror. Needless to say, there have been no lip prints on the mirror since!

A teacher comes into the class room and there is a red apple with the letter “T” on it setting on her desk. She asks: “My what a pretty apple. Who brought this to me?”

Little girl in the front row replies: “I did teacher.”

The teacher asks: “What does the letter “T” stand for?”

“Teacher”, she replies.

The next day there is a great big red apple, with the letters “TT” on it.

“My what a big beautiful apple who brought this to me?”

Little boy in the back row says: “I did.”

“Why thank you, but what do the letters “TT” stand for?”

“To Teacher”, he replies.

A couple of days later there is a huge watermelon on her desk with the letters “FUCK” on it.

She asks: “Who brought this watermelon in?”

A little black boy in the center of the class replies: “Why i did teacher”.

“Why thank you very much. We’ll have this at recess, but do you know what the letters stand for?”, she asks in a upset tone.

“Yes maam. From Us Colored Kids…”

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word ‘indefinitely’ in a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he’s a trouble maker and that he doesn’t know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, “Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely.”

“Good” the teacher replies. “What about you Jenny?”

Jenny says, “Since the bus broke down, transportation has been stopped indefinitely.”

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there’s Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the teacher thinks… (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

“As I felt my balls slap against her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!