Encyclopedia of Humor

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an “F” in Arithmetic today.

“Why?” asks his father.

“The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’ I said “6″.

“But that’s right,” said his father.

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?’

“What’s the fucking difference?” asks his father.

“That’s what I said!”

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many

blackbirds are left?”

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”

The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”

The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”

To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

A baby boy was just born. He had all his pieces and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing – I mean laughing real hard. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little guy in front of his worried parents. He just kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded his tiny fingers to check if his hand was all right, and guess what he found?

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The birth control pill.

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? –Age 15 Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. –Age 13

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president’s birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. –Age 8 Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. –Age 10

Home is where the house is. –Age 6

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween. –Age 13

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks. –Age 15

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out. –Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to hell and burn eternally –but I didn’t want to upset him. –Age 10

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one’s right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts. –Age 15

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. –Age 5

I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” Unless it was just a lawn mower. –Age 11

I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. –Age 13

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor. –Age 14

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you’ll have a couple of days saved up. –Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. –Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. –Age 5

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with! –Age 6

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe “Don’t you think it is about time you audited my return?” or “Isn’t it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?” –Age 15

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it’s not like he really needed them, right? –Age 15

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. –Age 15

Little Johnny’s mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, “Johnny, this is where you came from.”

Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends refer to him as “Lucky Johnny.”

“Why?” one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, “Because I came this close to being a turd.”