Encyclopedia of Humor

10. I think of you as a brother… (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in “Deliverance.”)

9. There’s a slight difference in our ages… (I don’t want to do my dad)

8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way… (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)

7. My life is too complicated right now… (I don’t want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I’m seeing.)

6. I’ve got a boyfriend… (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s)..

5. I don’t date men where I work… (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ‘solar system’, much less the same building.)

4. It’s not you, it’s me… (It’s you.)

3. I’m concentrating on my career… (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I’m celibate… (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)

1. Let’s be friends… (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)

1. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refrigerator

2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven

3. 101 Games to Play in the Road

4. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub,a Blowdryer,and a Fork

5. Your Nightmares are real

6. Monsters Killed Grandpa

7. All Guns Squirt Water

8. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite

9. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree

10. Dad’s New Wife Robert

Lately she sits at the computer naked.

After signing off, she always has a cigarette.

The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.

In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.

She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.

She makes sarcastic remarks about your “software”.

Lipstick on the mouse.

During sex she screams “A-colon backslash enter insert!”

The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.

The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy’s behind.

1…Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

2…If You Don’t Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

3…My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

4…To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.

5…Impotence: Nature’s Way Of Saying “No Hard Feelings”.

6…I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha

7…Illiterate? Write For Help

8…If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You’re Doing It Wrong

9…Cat: The Other White Meat

10…Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

8 things you’ll never hear a man say:

Here honey, you use the remote.

7) You know, I’d like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That’s one movie I gotta see!

5) While I’m up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn’t that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let’s watch Melrose Place.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you’ll never hear a woman say :

What do you mean today’s our anniversary?

7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.

6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I’m tired of being ‘just friends’

4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3) Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.

2) I don’t care if it’s on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

1) Hey, pull my finger!