Encyclopedia of Humor

A CAT always hits the litterbox.

Better chance of training a CAT.

No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.

You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.

If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.

A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.

You can de-claw a CAT… try to get a guy to clip his toenails.

It’s okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.

You don’t have to worry about your CAT turn into a pig when you host a party.

A CAT knows you’re the key to his happiness… A man thinks he is.

If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.

EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

TIMID: Can’t piss if someone’s watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk

But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow

Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine’s card at the sto.

In hopes that later, you’d be my ho.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right

I just wish it wasn’t $250 a night.

6. You’re a woman of style, you’re a woman of class

Especially when I’m spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished

But now I’m fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass

Our love has grown. . . but so has your ass.

3. You’re a honey. . . and you’re a cutie

I just wished you had J-Lo’s “booty”.

2. I don’t wanna be sappy or silly or corny

So, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister

You should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

What happens if you get scared to death twice?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you write a book about failure, and it doesn’t sell, is it a success?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Golfer: “Think I’m going to drown myself in the lake.”

Caddy: “Think you can keep your head down that long?”

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.”

Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving?”

Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.”

Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?”

Caddy: “Eventually.”

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world.”

Caddy: “I don’t think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence.”

Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time. It’s too much of a distraction.”

Caddy: “It’s not a watch – it’s a compass.”

Golfer: “How do you like my game?”

Caddy: “Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf.”

Golfer: “Do you think it’s a sin to play on Sunday?”

Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it’s a sin on any day.”

Golfer: “This is the worst course I’ve ever played on.”

Caddy: “This isn’t the golf course. We left that an hour ago.”

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old.”

Caddy: “It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir.”