Encyclopedia of Humor

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.

The nurse asks him,”Charlie what are you doing?” And Charlie replies, “Driving to Chicago!” The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?” Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago” Great,” replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, “Bob what are you doing!” Bob says… “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”

“What sort of question?”

“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months

together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going

to be a mother.”

“Get serious doctor, I’m 80.”

“I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it was

impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”

“I’ll be darned,” she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked

down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a

rage, she dialed her husband.

“Hello” she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, “You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, “Who’s

calling please?.”

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, ” Marsha you’re 34 years old, you’re beautiful, you have dozens of men who adore you. Why this dentist?”

“Because he is the First man that ever said to me…. SPIT, don’t SWALLOW.”

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman who was suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up.

A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side.

Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, “How do you like the place?”

“It’s okay,” he said. “But, they won’t let me fart!”